Happy Thursday, everyone. You know, when I was a kid, we had a few things that we were scared of, the British army, tuberculosis, I kid, I’m not that old. But we all had the same fears.
There was the boogeyman hiding in your closet, under your bed, you never really knew what he looked like, but you imagined it was this. I had a really wide closet. There was the threat of nuclear war, kidnapers who kept the back of milk cartons filled with interesting breakfast reading material, great white sharks, quicksand. Remember quicksand? Yeah, we’d be busy looking out for quicksand, and then we get hit by a drunk driver.
Also, there were cults, you know, like the Manson family, and they were not much of a family. I’m glad I got out of that early. So that’s eight fears, some are not real, others mostly overblown. So I envy the kids today, not just because they’re taller. They just have much more to be scared of. There’s this, and this, and this, and this, but worse, the streets are filled with nightmarish characters that would make Freddy Krueger call an Uber instead of walking the four blocks home.
There is the mentally ill and criminally deranged who roam the streets, and thank God for that, or we’d have no live audience members tonight. Yeah, that’s a jab at you guys. There’s also junkies and drunkies laying right in your path. It’s so awkward when they ask for autographs. Especially when I once dated them. You have homeless using your stoop as a bathroom and they never, ever clean up. Plus, they give lousy directions. Seriously, never ask, I did once and Chris Wallace threw up all over me. Yeah, while Hollywood concocts pointless dystopian mulch like Handmaid’s Tale, we’re living the real thing. Hell, save yourself some money and cancel Netflix to just go for a walk after dark. You’ll become the main character in part of a murder mystery by 11 p.m.
According to the New York Post, the paper owned by our parent company, Mike and Carol Brady, New York City kids are now in therapy due to a constant state of panic. Yeah, just what NYC needs a whole generation of Woody Allen’s. But their fear is rational, think about it, the homeless, the crime, the drugs, Anthony Wiener still here, and that’s just inside the sandbox, at pre-K. In NYC, children are being traumatized by real horrors that leave permanent scars.
According to the Post, after funneling thousands of the homeless into city hotels and not just Motel 6, unprovoked crimes have exploded. Not to mention room service is now impossible to get in under 2 hours, trying to order that meth, oh man. On top of that, add state bail reform, which released tons of vile thugs, COVID released even more, the only people left in America’s jails are those who stole office supplies on January six. We decriminalize sidewalk, camping, panhandling and shooting up in public.
The result a liberal’s dream come true, we’re all equal in abject misery. Major crimes are up all over, in midtown it’s 60% increase, robberies are up 57%, there have been ten murders alone so far in just three precincts this year, double the number during the same period last year, and they happened when Kat was out of town, so we can’t blame her. According to human resources, we can’t blame her, although one of the bodies was covered up under a pile of hair extensions.
An New York Police Department Public Affairs officer sets up signs reading Gun Free Zone around Times Square, Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2022, in New York.
(AP Photo/Yuki Iwamura)
And in the old days, if you wanted to see the show, The Full Monty, you used to buy tickets for Broadway, now you get the Full Monty from the three homeless guys in front of our building. So now city parents are sending their kids to therapists because it takes a professional to say, how does seeing a naked pooping man harass you for money make you feel? But good for the parents, at least they’re doing something, but really, they should do more. Why don’t you just leave? Isn’t that the right thing to do? Now I get it. We love our kids, but not if it means giving up our season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera or missing the Gay Pride Parade every year. Good God, what kind of rubes do you take us for?
Well, I’d question their judgment, but they already vote Democrat. I know, I know, it’s easy for me to say I got no kids, but you can no longer relax, thinking it’s just thug on thug crime. It’s Russian roulette for all of us, we’re all in the barrel. Kids now get to see the boogeyman every day, on the way to class, on the subway. I understand soldiers coming home from war, suffering PTSD from what they saw, but fourth and fifth graders coming home from school. So some families are smartly leaving. According to a recent head count, we’ve seen a 10% drop in kids under five since 2019. And not all of that can be attributed to erectile dysfunction caused by Lizzo. Someone has to point it out.
Total public school enrollment has dropped by 73,000 since the pandemic. But who knows, they may finally learn something. Meanwhile, more and more, it’s women who become the victims. A recent one was a young mother of five who was brutally beaten by a transient freak. You know, talk about a change in society, it used to be women and children first when it came to avoiding suffering.
Now it’s get them to the front lines. I guess you could say that’s the only equity that Democrats have actually delivered.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel’s (FNC) “Gutfeld!” (weekdays 11PM/ET) and co-host of “The Five” (weekdays 5PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is the author of several books. His latest is “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.